Hiiiiiii.... yes, I still exist. I swear I do tweet and Instagram, but blogging, actually blogging has evaded me for a long time. I just.... didn't really want to do it. Of course I still love blogging. I love the photography aspects of it, the setting up of products so that they look their best and doing my best to capture it. I love the writing, as I've always loved writing. But it was the feeling of being small in the blogging world, which never usually bothers me, combined with a new bout of anxiety and panic attacks. I've never had a feeling like it.
The instant sweating sensation.. the feeling of someone standing on my chest, shortness of breath, dizziness... it drains all the colour from my face and makes me so light headed that I usually have to lean against something until I'm okay again. My living situation really brought it out, and made me feel totally worthless as a person. I questioned myself, my job and whether I was strong enough to live away from home, by myself. It was ugly and I haven't felt so low about myself for a long, long time.
But with age, comes some perspective, and spending time away with my family has really shown me that I can handle this. I can be strong, happy and not be afraid to talk about things. Of course my boyfriend has played a big role in helping me get better from where I was. It's easy to lie to people, flash a smile and laugh - 'nothing's wrong, why would you ask?'. It's a lot harder to keep lying to people that know you better than you know yourself.
My parents were quite upset, and that's not really something I see a lot. My dad said it the best, I think. 'You don't do your blogging anymore, and you loved that, why are you letting those horrible people (he said something worse, but let's be PG for the sake of this) affect you, and bring you down?'. He was right. Why was I letting it affect me so much? A terrible situation for me, is not where near as bad as other people, so why not be stronger and overcome it? I suppose that's what this is. A post that breaks the proverbial ice and allows me to sink back into the blog that I loved so so much.
I hope you're still reading this, and I hope that you know how much I love and appreciate you for getting to this point with me. I aspire to be better, both mentally and physically. I want to be stronger, so that I can help myself and others when times are bad.
This is my resolution, to be stronger both for myself and for those that cannot be. We must all help each others against those that pull us down, degrade us and tell us we're not good enough. We must fight back against those that intimidate and disrespect us. We must fight to have better mental health, as what's better than being happy with both body and soul?
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