A note about fear, and why I'm afraid.

It only just occurred to me that I wanted to talk about this. I sat, wrapped in my duvet, crying and sniffling about how afraid I was about the future. About a job interview, about moving somewhere new, about meeting new people... about the unknown. I want to talk about fear. 

Some people say fear is good for you. Even in Friends, Chandler and Joey tell Rachel about 'The Fear' - about how she should quit her job, and use that 'fear' as inspiration to push towards something new. She does. Chandler himself admits that he, is too afraid. I feel like Chandler. I'm too afraid. I've been on interviews before, in a city that I want to be in, closer to my partner, who means everything to me -  but today, I felt stiff with emotion, afraid of what would happen if I didn't get the job, but also, whats if I did? It would mean leaving my parents, my friends, my current job and moving to a new city, and probably sharing a house with people that I don't know. It wasn't even that I thought a lot about this job interview that I'm meant to be having tomorrow - and maybe that's the concern. The job didn't cross my mind. Only today did I discuss it, and realise, what a horrific mistake it was to apply for such a job. I'm not made of stern enough stuff to do a job like that. I'm too emotional, and I get far too attached to everyone that I meet. Basically, I care far too much, and whilst it's amazing to feel so much for so many, it's also very, very exhausting. A very good friend of mine and her boyfriend broke up, after almost five years together, after he admitted to cheating on her for several months - the news pretty much almost broke my heart, and I couldn't look at my boyfriend (who is pretty much the best person I have ever met) in the eye for quite a few days. 

Everything is personal. I feel the pain of everyone I know, far too much. Feeling like that doesn't scare me; but realising that I'm ageing, with no specific direction in mind, and a serious sense of anxiety that starts to creep over me any time someone mentions the future - that scares me. I know that some people can harness their fear, and there are so many inspirational quotes about overcoming fear ('Do one thing each day that scares you') but what it doesn't tell you, is how to overcome it. I'll admit that I'm scared of the unknown and making the wrong choices, as I already know that I chose the wrong subject to do my degree in (history, btw). I chose something that I loved, and that, in the end, was the worst thing, as it left me with no direction. 

I don't want to make a mistake, at all, ever. I know that people grow from mistakes, and I do too, but I hate making them. I get shaky and sweaty, and then comes the realisation that instead of doing new things, which may cause a mistake, I just won't do it. Therefore any mistakes that I make, are small and inconsequential. The fear of failing and admitting that I've done wrong are holding me back. It's holding me back from moving, saving and living with the person who makes me feel like the fear doesn't exist all the time. The fear has had a hold on me for a long, long time and whilst i'm trying to overcome it, I'm still scared. I hope that one day I'll have the guts to get that new job, new place to live and make new friends in a new city.

This is all a bit *mad keyboard smash* so hopefully it makes sense... it's just something that's been bothering me for a long time.