My post-Holiday Tale: Travelling, anxiety and sickness.

I've always been one for travel sickness, as far as I can remember. Packing is all excitement and organisation, as is the trip to the airport/ferry port etc, but when I get there... that's when the anxiety comes in. The sweaty palms, the nausea, the hyperventilating ... I don't know why it happens, it just does. I know when I get to my destination, I'll feel fine. There'll be no illness to speak of... it'll just be the beforehand that I have to deal with. It's horrible, because I never thought that it was anxiety, but perhaps just nerves? But surely nervousness would go away after flying a few times? I don't know, I'm still undecided about what exactly this is... It feels like a kind of bubbling, doubt-filled mood... where you feel sick and kinda don't want to go anywhere? Like I'd take a sleeping pill and wake up when I get there. But let me tell you this, my flight to Menorca was two hours long. Two hours! That is nothing at all in flight length, but I still felt like I couldn't do it. Earlier in the year, my flight to Turkey was about four and a half hours long, and that seemed fine... from what I can remember (my boyfriend may have a different story to tell) and on the flight back, I just remember thinking that I couldn't wait for the flight to end, and to get home to bed. I think I was actually quite relaxed about the whole thing... I even remember breaking out my really intricate colouring book, so it could pass the time quicker. It did, if you're ever looking to pass the time somewhere - colouring is the option for you. I remember flying to Egypt once, with my family, and I was so nervous and anxious beforehand, that I actually vomited... close to the duty free... not a good look. Maybe it's because it's just me and my boyfriend? Or maybe just the unknown? Why does anxiety happen, is like one of those unanswerable questions, to me. I just don't know why it happens to me.

I think I used to be an okay traveller when I was younger. I remember long driving holidays to the Lake District, and not feeling anything but sleepy... mainly because I was small, and those drives were always so long. So I don't know where this...fear(?) came from? Is it the unknown or just the uncomfortable idea of things changing? I'm not the biggest lover of change, but sometimes I do feel like it's called for - like I really feel the need for it. I could really do with a new job and a move to a bigger city, but I think there's also some subconscious anxiety that makes me mess up job interviews, and shut out anything productive or appealing I could say to an Interviwer. Yes, I can do the job, I would give it everything I have... but can I get that across to the person? Nope. I get horrendous;y nervous... basically so nervous I'll be close to being sick, and then I'll just be this sweet, almost vapid person with nothing interesting to say, but a notebook that says 'Pugs not Drugs'. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can do these jobs that I apply for, but it seems that I'm my own worst enemy; I think I need to overcome some serious doubts about myself. About what I'm capable of, and of who I am. I think I'm okay at writing, photography and the many areas that come with blogging, certainly not the best at it, and i'm good at my job. But trying to sell myself to someone who doesn't know me for me, is incredibly difficult.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this on here, but a blog, aside from all the skincare and makeup, is basically an online diary, yes? Perhaps it's also a way of saying things that would usually take a lot more effort and gumption to say in real life? Perhaps it's also a way of saying something, without actually having to say it out loud? Maybe I'm still afraid. I wrote a blog post about fear back in August, and although I've given it a lot of thought, I think it's going to take a lot more than a few months to knock myself out of it. I don't think fear is necessarily is a bad thing, it reminds us of the fact that we're human, but I don't want it to control my life. That's something I need to work on.