A bit of something personal: Grief

I contemplated adding a picture to this post, as, it's about grief and heartbreak... who wants to see a soppy inspirational picture that is trying to make you feel better? I thought and thought about it, and it turns out... I do. I want to see soppy, inspirational pictures, because by damn, I want to feel better. So *raises hand* I, Rebecca, want to feel better. (turns out I couldn't find the one that I wanted, so I'm using something from a visit to the National Botanical Gardens, isn't that ironic? haha) I don't want the numbness, loneliness and darkness to last. I don't want those things anymore (does anyone really want them? I think they're just assigned to you when something terrible happens) So... on with the show, then?

I'll start with my grandparents. My grandmother died last September. She was in and out of hospital, but nonetheless, it was a shock. She'd broken her hip after visiting my grandfather in hospital, and then a few months later, she died. Last month (August) my grandfather died. He'd been in and out of hospital, but once again, it was a shock. He'd developed pneumonia for the third time, but there was that hope that he'd be well again, that he'd pull through it. He hadn't long celebrated his 81st birthday, and looking back on it now, it makes you realise how much you regret. How I wish I had been there more. How I wish I done more, so maybe, maybe, he would have gotten better. But grief is a slippery slope. Once you start blaming yourself... it's hard to come back from it. My friends helped me through it, and I suppose it still hasn't sunk in properly. I still read things that he would want to know about, and I hear jokes that would make him laugh. Grief... grief hits you when you least expect it.

My boyfriend and I, or ex-boyfriend, had been together for almost four years. We met in University, and we spent almost everyday of term time together, so I could say, he was University for me. He introduced me to my best friend, and friendships that I have held so dearly over the past few years. But we broke up. Every holiday from University was spent apart, and it was almost as if we'd become accustomed to a long distance relationship (three hours apart, which may not sound like much, but it certainly feels it) We lived together in our third year of Uni, and when time came for it to end, so did we. We broke up, and parted ways, and I have never felt so much pain and upset in my life. I cried for weeks and weeks.

With me, I would look fine. I would smile and laugh, and go about, day to day, as I would have done before. But at night... which I think is the loneliest i've ever felt, the grief and the pain, and everything I ever concealed just erupted. I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep, or sent blurry eyed text messages to my best friend, detailed how heartbroken I was (she also lives three hours away. ironically, she lives about ten minutes away from my ex) I suppose it's a cliche to say that there are plenty more fish in the sea, or you'll survive - but it's true, even though it definitely didn't feel like it at the time, and still doesn't. 

A few weeks after we'd broken up the first time, he phoned me, saying that he missed me and wanted me back. After crying on the phone to my best friend for an hour or so, I talked to my ex and we decided to get back together. I was happy again, even though I still felt so hurt about what had happened. So, we celebrated our three year anniversary and things went back to how they were, except now, we both had jobs, which was a step in the right direction. So, we talked and talked, I'd go and visit him once a month (all I could afford with my part time retail work) and we planned that I would look for a job up with him and we'd live together. This went on for months, and it turns out, looking for a job is easy, getting one is the tricky part. Suffice it to say, I didn't get one. 

We celebrated his birthday and mine, and he helped me (through the phone) when my grandfather died.  But when I went to see him, the weekend before the funeral, even though he was comforting, I would cry and get hugs from my best friend, he would just sit there, tapping away on his laptop, to the point where I was getting more affection from my best friend's boyfriend than from my own. I was so upset when my grandfather died, because even though I was having a very hard time with it, my Dad, was broken by it. My grandmother and grandfather, were both his parents, and to lose them both in a space of 18 months took a very harsh toll on him. 

I look back now and I wonder what made me more upset, being apart from my best friend and boyfriend, or seeing my dad, his face so full of pain. I'd never seen my dad cry before my grandmother died, and to see it again, so soon, broke my heart all over again. Grief is something that I was not accustomed to, and I suppose I was very fortunate to have both grandparents for so long, but losing them, especially my grandfather, who I cherished so so much, is so heart wrenching. I told my boyfriend, that in my grief, I had stopped looking for a job up with him, it was something that he did not take well to, and from then on, was quite distant. My family was so broken by this sudden death, that we didn't know what to do with ourselves, especially my dad, who would spend his evenings before work (he works night shifts) with my grandfather, keeping him company. Filling those evenings with something that my dad wanted to do was difficult, so I tried to remain as happy and positive as I could. But there comes a time when being so positive and upbeat for everyone else, comes crashing down. I didn't cry when my boyfriend and I broke up, it was only the day after, in work that I broke down on the shop floor.

I'm not generally someone who cries in front of other people, and I'm usually the happy, positive one in work, so to see me crying was I think, quite a shock for the people I worked with. Like I said, grief hits you in unexpected times, and it hits you hard if you don't deal with it. I obviously didn't. I wanted to write something about how to deal with grief... as if I had all the answers, and to help others going through the same thing. But I don't have all the answers, and I don't know how to make others feel better, other than saying, you are not alone in your grief. There is always someone that you can talk to. I will be here (only an email, tweet or a comment away) if you need to talk. Grief is one of the things that even though I've written all of this, I can't fully explain it. It just feels like something is missing. So, don't be afraid to cry, or talk to someone. I will always be here if you need to talk about your grief. 

I felt very nervous about writing this post, and it has been a work in progress for quite some weeks. I think talking about something so personal is quite tricky, but I thought, if I help one person attempt to deal with their grief, then i've done the right thing. So here we are. Thank you so much for reading.

Rebecca xx